Confused and Frustrated Mama

It has been a long time since I last posted because life has been a bit out of control. I started student teaching and now my days start bright and early at 5am and consist of dropping Isabelle off at babysitters, driving a lot, high schoolers, picking up Isabelle from the babysitter, making dinner, and passing out at night. But I don't feel like blogging about that. Instead I would like to blog about an unanswered prayer resulting in a lot of frustration, some tears, and confusion.

We took Isabelle to the endocrinologist last Friday where she told us that Isabelle is growing great, so sweet, and smart. She just can't believe how great Isabelle is doing. At the end of the appointment Steve and I asked about taking her off meds, or doing some testing to find her thyroid. Well she was kind enough to remind us that Isabelle's TSH levels were EXTREMELY high and it is highly unlikely that she has a thyroid and will ever go off of medication. A reminder that I was not happy to receive! So we ordered an ultrasound to see if Isabelle has a thyroid.

A few days later we go to the Children's hospital for the ultrasound. I was so sure she had a thyroid. We did everything right we have been praying for healing since she was one week old. We prayed over her, we had others pray over her, we have a prayer circle of people continually praying for her, we were speaking nothing but positive. We were believing for healing.... Then today we got a call and the assistant told us that they could not see any thyroid tissue. none. none at all.

Why? God I don't understand . God her body is not the way you intended it, it isn't whole. I just want her to be whole the way God designed her to be. So why isn't she? Why did her body develop with no thyroid?

I could go on and on with questions but I know it won't help. Right now I am just trying to figure out what I am thinking and feeling so I can feel sane. I am confused about how to feel and what to say to people. Do I continue to believe for healing? or do I accept the fact that she has no thyroid and praise God that she is healthy and happy?  I am not ready to give up hope. I am not ready to just settle and say she has no thyroid and she'll be on meds the rest of her life.

So needless to say I am one confused and frustrated mama trying to do what glorifies God and is best for my daughter.

Answered Prayers

I just got my student teaching placement for the Spring semester. I had been praying and praying to get something as close to Grand Rapids as possible. I was praying that I would be placed in Lakeview because that was the closest site that was offered (an hour away without snow on the ground). But God He is good and He answered my prayer with something even better then what I was praying for. I got placed at Greenville High School. Which is only a 40 minute drive and I could probably make it in 35 minutes. By being placed here it will save me 40 minutes of driving every day! What a blessing!

Also I cleaned my house! Well not the whole thing but it looks fantastic. Yesterday I prayed for extra energy and motivation. I ended up picking up, vacuuming,  and rearranging the play room. I even sorted through the toys in the toy room and packed some away.  Then I swept and mopped and empty the dining room it looks amazing. Then I moved on to the kitchen where I swept and mopped and my mother in law did my dishes. The kitchen still has a lot of clutter but at least when my kid eats something off the floor I can know it is only a day or two old.

As if all of that was not enough to make yesterday fantastic we also had a great dinner. I made a pork roast with carrots and potatoes  it was yummy. And to top it all off I had a ton of homework  and thought I would be up all night but I got it finished by 10:30 so that I still had a little time to spend with my husband before bed.

Thank you God for answered prayers and fantastic days!

Learning About Selfishness and Serving

I have been battling selfishness over the last few months. I am constantly thinking about poor me and having pity parties for myself. Thoughts like "I always take care of everybody else, but no one takes care or me", or "I'm too tired and overworked you do the dishes" or "I am always going out of my way for other people when is someone going to go out of their way to do something nice for me?" or "I've told him I want to go on a date or get a surprise and how it would mean so much. I even brainstormed ideas with him, and I have even been kind enough to remind him, frequently that i want a date/surprise but still nothing."

I have been so focused on me and my wants and needs that GENUINELY serving someone else is out of the question. Don't get me wrong I still have been doing people plenty of favors but with a terrible attitude and not with a heart of love.

So I start realizing all of this and then just start feeling awful for being so selfish and grumpy and cranky and needy. So I finally decide to try and get back on track with God maybe that will help. So I start trying to read my Bible and pray. Wow weirdest feeling ever. I read and nothing. I pray and feel nothing. I don't even remember how to do this. Do I even believe in God?

So I decide to tell my husband that I tried to have a devotion time today for the first time in months and I couldn't  it was weird and just nothing. He looked concerned and asked what we should do about it and I naturally said I don't know. And we dropped the subject. So that night we climb into bed and we pray together well he prayed and I listened. But I felt something! The next day at dinner Steve asked me to pray for our meal and I did and I felt even more of something.

So for the past few days I have been waking up early and spending time with my husband and with God and God is responding! It feels so good to feel his presence again and to lay my burdens on Him. God is starting to give me peace and clarity as to where this selfishness is coming from and how to combat it.

Where it is coming from? Well my flesh I suppose, but also being a stay at home mom of a toddler is a lot of work and no one else seems to notice. Apparently I pull of the "I've got it all together" act really well. I love my daughter so very much but it is draining all day everyday my needs are put last and her needs are put first. But God and I and my husband and I are talking about all of this and I feel so much better. I will beat this selfish desire!

As for combat God is telling me exactly what I don't want to hear of course. "Serve others whole heartedly. Meet your husband's needs and your daughter's needs. Exceed their expectations." But also what I do want to hear  "But don't do it alone call on me and I will give you perseverance and even rest. You are can't do this without me."

So last night I sit down and ask my husband "how can I love you better, how can I serve you better?" and he very honestly tells me "keep up on the housework" and my first reaction is that I want to scream and tell him he has no idea what it is like to be me and that I can't do it. I'm too busy. But I bit my tongue and took a deep breath and said "I'll try harder" And I will! I am excited to love my husband the way he needs to be loved even if i think it is the most annoying way to love someone. (p.s. my husband feels loved when I give him back massages and keep the house clean it is the worst love language ever!) But with Gods help and lots of mistakes I am going to become the best house cleaner and back massager in the WORLD!!!

Goodbye selfishness!

Faith and Medicine Don't Mix Well

Isabelle is almost two and she is the best thing in the world. She is so tender hearted, wonderful, smiley, and happy. She brings me so much joy! I am sure most of my posts will be about my sweet sweet Isabelle. 

When Isabelle was 7 days old she was diagnosed with Congenital Hypothyroidism. It all happened very quickly and I was just on autopilot for a long time. Sometime I will post an entry that explains the journey we went on but for now I want to explain a more recent issue. 

I have recently realized that I have a lot of mixed emotions about Isabelle and her diagnosis and that she has to take medication everyday. I hate that she has to be on medication but at the same time I am thankful that the medication exists. I hate that I don't ask the doctors more questions but I don't know what to ask. The doctors say when she is 3 they will take her off meds and see if her thyroid works. So for the first 3 years of her life I give her medicine that she might not even need. But the doctors don't want to take any chances of taking her off meds because the risks are too great. So thus far in the process I take her to her appointments and do exactly what the doctor says, asking minimal questions and always hearing good reports. Then yesterday it dawns on me that I haven't been discussing other options with her doctor because I'm terrified. 

I am terrified because we have been believing and praying for healing for her since the beginning. What if I bug the doctors and get them to do an ultrasound or scan or something and then they tell me that there is nothing there. No thyroid. Then what? I don't want to hear that she has no thyroid or has a partial thyroid or has a displaced thyroid. I want to hear that my baby is just fine and her thyroid is perfect and fine and that we don't need medication. 

I feel like it is easier not knowing whether she has a thyroid or not. Sometimes I feel like I have been a terrible advocate for my child. Sometimes I feel like I am a doubting believer in Christ.  Sometimes I don't think about it and deal with it because it is too hard.