Yet again I learn a lesson the hard way. God tries to speak to me and I shut him out. Well he got my attention today which means I have a lot of work to do now. I have started my second set of student teaching and week 1 I am already feeling like I am drowning, my husband is drifting, and I am negating my responsibilities as a wife and mom.
So today as I was doing the dishes and getting frustrated at my husband for the latest thing he didn't do right all of a sudden it hits me. Why am I even mad at my husband? What has he done? More importantly what am I doing or not doing that I should be? Why am I so upset? God what is eating me? Why do I feel this way? And SMACK God reveals to me that I feel like crap because I am failing at everything I put my worth in.
Instead of putting my worth in God and how He sees me. I have put so much value on how well I keep my house clean, how often I make a good home-cooked meal, how well I bend over backwards for people at my school, how much time I spend with my daughter and how much I teach her. I feel I am worth something when I am a good friend and have people over for dinner and have this amazing perfect intimacy with my husband. Or when I make it to every single one of my nephews football games. And God just said "Stop!!" "I don't care about those things. I just want your heart."
It is so hard for me to not measure my value on how well I do those things. But I do not want to be measured by those things because frankly I stink! I can't do it all. I might be able to fool others but I can't fool myself any longer. I am nothing without God. So knowing all of this why is it still so hard to surrender? Why do I still want to hold onto these things?
So here begins a journey of learning how to surrender and learning how God sees me and how to please him first....... I better go read my Bible not because I want to because I pretty much never want to but because I really don't know what else to do besides journal and read my Bible.
Wish me luck!
:)1st - I am happy to have another update to read on your blog. lol
ReplyDelete2nd - You are wonderful! That is wonderful God has revealed that to you. You are a wonderful sister, friend, mother, and wife. It is so wonderful when you realize you can be those things without putting in more effort than you need to. When you are trusting in God and putting everything in your life in his hands and letting him take control of every aspect of your life, he works it out and everything is perfect, just the way GOD wants it! :)
I love you!
Christy