Choosing not to listen

Yet again I learn a lesson the hard way. God tries to speak to me and I shut him out. Well he got my attention today which means I have a lot of work to do now. I have started my second set of student teaching and week 1 I am already feeling like I am drowning, my husband is drifting, and I am negating my responsibilities as a wife and mom. 


So today as I was doing the dishes and getting frustrated at my husband for the latest thing he didn't do right all of a sudden it hits me. Why am I even mad at my husband? What has he done? More importantly what am I doing or not doing that I should be? Why am I so upset? God what is eating me? Why do I feel this way? And SMACK God reveals to me that I feel like crap because I am failing at everything I put my worth in. 


Instead of putting my worth in God and how He sees me. I have put so much value on how well I keep my house clean, how often I make a good home-cooked meal, how well I bend over backwards for people at my school, how much time I spend with my daughter and how much I teach her. I feel I am worth something when I am a good friend and have people over for dinner and have this amazing perfect intimacy with my husband. Or when I make it to every single one of my nephews football games. And God just said "Stop!!" "I don't care about those things. I just want your heart." 


It is so hard for me to not measure my value on how well I do those things. But I do not want to be measured by those things because frankly I stink! I can't do it all. I might be able to fool others but I can't fool myself any longer. I am nothing without God. So knowing all of this why is it still so hard to surrender? Why do I still want to hold onto these things? 


So here begins a journey of learning how to surrender and learning how God sees me and how to please him first....... I better go read my Bible not because I want to because I pretty much never want to but because I really don't know what else to do besides journal and read my Bible. 


Wish me luck!

Mixed up Priorities

I just spent the last 4 months doing my student teaching. I loved my student teaching experience and especially loved getting to know my kids. It was a blast and I learned soooooo much.  It was a very very busy 4 months trying to juggle being a student, a professional, a mom, a wife, and a teacher. Trying to be good at all of them all at once was very difficult.

1st thing to go were devotions, then cooking, then cleaning, then sex, then showers, even baths for Isabelle took the backseat to student teaching. All of these very important things were being pushed aside. Wow were my priorities messed up.

So here I am my 1st free week since completing my student teaching trying to get my priorities back in line. Things are much much better but still not quite in the right order. Devotions and exercise are two important pieces that are not quite back in full swing yet.

I have been extremely blessed the past 4 months and I am so thankful for all of these blessings so why am I not spending time with God? I should be spending a significant part of my day praying and in the Word. Why? Because I don't enjoy it anymore. I have turned my devotions into these quick read a few verses as fast as I can and go to sleep. I pray when I need something instead of just talking to God. No wonder I am not motivated to pray and read.

I have made my relationship with God this quick easy thing to check off my "to do" list. Instead of a relationship that I am pursuing and invested in. So now it is time to get back on track. Where do I begin?

Any ideas?

I have a two year old

We celebrated Isabelle's 2nd birthday about a week and a half ago. It was so much fun to center two whole days around her. On Friday we had a spaghetti dinner birthday party with family. Spaghetti is Isabelle's favorite. Then on Saturday afternoon we had another party with some of Isabelle's friends.

I started a tradition on Isabelle's first birthday that people leave her a little note in this notebook that I bought. It was really neat to read through all of the comments from the first year and compare them to this year. I also write letters on a more regular basis to Isabelle in that notebook and I plan to give it to her when she is in high school or college.

Here is a picture of my sweet Princess.

Sweet Isabelle you bring me so much joy. God has given you a gift to bring happiness to even the unhappiest of people. You are such a wonderful blessing and I will cherish you everyday.

Confused and Frustrated Mama

It has been a long time since I last posted because life has been a bit out of control. I started student teaching and now my days start bright and early at 5am and consist of dropping Isabelle off at babysitters, driving a lot, high schoolers, picking up Isabelle from the babysitter, making dinner, and passing out at night. But I don't feel like blogging about that. Instead I would like to blog about an unanswered prayer resulting in a lot of frustration, some tears, and confusion.

We took Isabelle to the endocrinologist last Friday where she told us that Isabelle is growing great, so sweet, and smart. She just can't believe how great Isabelle is doing. At the end of the appointment Steve and I asked about taking her off meds, or doing some testing to find her thyroid. Well she was kind enough to remind us that Isabelle's TSH levels were EXTREMELY high and it is highly unlikely that she has a thyroid and will ever go off of medication. A reminder that I was not happy to receive! So we ordered an ultrasound to see if Isabelle has a thyroid.

A few days later we go to the Children's hospital for the ultrasound. I was so sure she had a thyroid. We did everything right we have been praying for healing since she was one week old. We prayed over her, we had others pray over her, we have a prayer circle of people continually praying for her, we were speaking nothing but positive. We were believing for healing.... Then today we got a call and the assistant told us that they could not see any thyroid tissue. none. none at all.

Why? God I don't understand . God her body is not the way you intended it, it isn't whole. I just want her to be whole the way God designed her to be. So why isn't she? Why did her body develop with no thyroid?

I could go on and on with questions but I know it won't help. Right now I am just trying to figure out what I am thinking and feeling so I can feel sane. I am confused about how to feel and what to say to people. Do I continue to believe for healing? or do I accept the fact that she has no thyroid and praise God that she is healthy and happy?  I am not ready to give up hope. I am not ready to just settle and say she has no thyroid and she'll be on meds the rest of her life.

So needless to say I am one confused and frustrated mama trying to do what glorifies God and is best for my daughter.