Yet again I learn a lesson the hard way. God tries to speak to me and I shut him out. Well he got my attention today which means I have a lot of work to do now. I have started my second set of student teaching and week 1 I am already feeling like I am drowning, my husband is drifting, and I am negating my responsibilities as a wife and mom.
So today as I was doing the dishes and getting frustrated at my husband for the latest thing he didn't do right all of a sudden it hits me. Why am I even mad at my husband? What has he done? More importantly what am I doing or not doing that I should be? Why am I so upset? God what is eating me? Why do I feel this way? And SMACK God reveals to me that I feel like crap because I am failing at everything I put my worth in.
Instead of putting my worth in God and how He sees me. I have put so much value on how well I keep my house clean, how often I make a good home-cooked meal, how well I bend over backwards for people at my school, how much time I spend with my daughter and how much I teach her. I feel I am worth something when I am a good friend and have people over for dinner and have this amazing perfect intimacy with my husband. Or when I make it to every single one of my nephews football games. And God just said "Stop!!" "I don't care about those things. I just want your heart."
It is so hard for me to not measure my value on how well I do those things. But I do not want to be measured by those things because frankly I stink! I can't do it all. I might be able to fool others but I can't fool myself any longer. I am nothing without God. So knowing all of this why is it still so hard to surrender? Why do I still want to hold onto these things?
So here begins a journey of learning how to surrender and learning how God sees me and how to please him first....... I better go read my Bible not because I want to because I pretty much never want to but because I really don't know what else to do besides journal and read my Bible.
Wish me luck!
