Confused and Frustrated Mama

It has been a long time since I last posted because life has been a bit out of control. I started student teaching and now my days start bright and early at 5am and consist of dropping Isabelle off at babysitters, driving a lot, high schoolers, picking up Isabelle from the babysitter, making dinner, and passing out at night. But I don't feel like blogging about that. Instead I would like to blog about an unanswered prayer resulting in a lot of frustration, some tears, and confusion.

We took Isabelle to the endocrinologist last Friday where she told us that Isabelle is growing great, so sweet, and smart. She just can't believe how great Isabelle is doing. At the end of the appointment Steve and I asked about taking her off meds, or doing some testing to find her thyroid. Well she was kind enough to remind us that Isabelle's TSH levels were EXTREMELY high and it is highly unlikely that she has a thyroid and will ever go off of medication. A reminder that I was not happy to receive! So we ordered an ultrasound to see if Isabelle has a thyroid.

A few days later we go to the Children's hospital for the ultrasound. I was so sure she had a thyroid. We did everything right we have been praying for healing since she was one week old. We prayed over her, we had others pray over her, we have a prayer circle of people continually praying for her, we were speaking nothing but positive. We were believing for healing.... Then today we got a call and the assistant told us that they could not see any thyroid tissue. none. none at all.

Why? God I don't understand . God her body is not the way you intended it, it isn't whole. I just want her to be whole the way God designed her to be. So why isn't she? Why did her body develop with no thyroid?

I could go on and on with questions but I know it won't help. Right now I am just trying to figure out what I am thinking and feeling so I can feel sane. I am confused about how to feel and what to say to people. Do I continue to believe for healing? or do I accept the fact that she has no thyroid and praise God that she is healthy and happy?  I am not ready to give up hope. I am not ready to just settle and say she has no thyroid and she'll be on meds the rest of her life.

So needless to say I am one confused and frustrated mama trying to do what glorifies God and is best for my daughter.