When Isabelle was 7 days old she was diagnosed with Congenital Hypothyroidism. It all happened very quickly and I was just on autopilot for a long time. Sometime I will post an entry that explains the journey we went on but for now I want to explain a more recent issue.
I have recently realized that I have a lot of mixed emotions about Isabelle and her diagnosis and that she has to take medication everyday. I hate that she has to be on medication but at the same time I am thankful that the medication exists. I hate that I don't ask the doctors more questions but I don't know what to ask. The doctors say when she is 3 they will take her off meds and see if her thyroid works. So for the first 3 years of her life I give her medicine that she might not even need. But the doctors don't want to take any chances of taking her off meds because the risks are too great. So thus far in the process I take her to her appointments and do exactly what the doctor says, asking minimal questions and always hearing good reports. Then yesterday it dawns on me that I haven't been discussing other options with her doctor because I'm terrified.
I am terrified because we have been believing and praying for healing for her since the beginning. What if I bug the doctors and get them to do an ultrasound or scan or something and then they tell me that there is nothing there. No thyroid. Then what? I don't want to hear that she has no thyroid or has a partial thyroid or has a displaced thyroid. I want to hear that my baby is just fine and her thyroid is perfect and fine and that we don't need medication.
I feel like it is easier not knowing whether she has a thyroid or not. Sometimes I feel like I have been a terrible advocate for my child. Sometimes I feel like I am a doubting believer in Christ. Sometimes I don't think about it and deal with it because it is too hard.
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