I have been battling selfishness over the last few months. I am constantly thinking about poor me and having pity parties for myself. Thoughts like "I always take care of everybody else, but no one takes care or me", or "I'm too tired and overworked you do the dishes" or "I am always going out of my way for other people when is someone going to go out of their way to do something nice for me?" or "I've told him I want to go on a date or get a surprise and how it would mean so much. I even brainstormed ideas with him, and I have even been kind enough to remind him, frequently that i want a date/surprise but still nothing."
I have been so focused on me and my wants and needs that GENUINELY serving someone else is out of the question. Don't get me wrong I still have been doing people plenty of favors but with a terrible attitude and not with a heart of love.
So I start realizing all of this and then just start feeling awful for being so selfish and grumpy and cranky and needy. So I finally decide to try and get back on track with God maybe that will help. So I start trying to read my Bible and pray. Wow weirdest feeling ever. I read and nothing. I pray and feel nothing. I don't even remember how to do this. Do I even believe in God?
So I decide to tell my husband that I tried to have a devotion time today for the first time in months and I couldn't it was weird and just nothing. He looked concerned and asked what we should do about it and I naturally said I don't know. And we dropped the subject. So that night we climb into bed and we pray together well he prayed and I listened. But I felt something! The next day at dinner Steve asked me to pray for our meal and I did and I felt even more of something.
So for the past few days I have been waking up early and spending time with my husband and with God and God is responding! It feels so good to feel his presence again and to lay my burdens on Him. God is starting to give me peace and clarity as to where this selfishness is coming from and how to combat it.
Where it is coming from? Well my flesh I suppose, but also being a stay at home mom of a toddler is a lot of work and no one else seems to notice. Apparently I pull of the "I've got it all together" act really well. I love my daughter so very much but it is draining all day everyday my needs are put last and her needs are put first. But God and I and my husband and I are talking about all of this and I feel so much better. I will beat this selfish desire!
As for combat God is telling me exactly what I don't want to hear of course. "Serve others whole heartedly. Meet your husband's needs and your daughter's needs. Exceed their expectations." But also what I do want to hear "But don't do it alone call on me and I will give you perseverance and even rest. You are can't do this without me."
So last night I sit down and ask my husband "how can I love you better, how can I serve you better?" and he very honestly tells me "keep up on the housework" and my first reaction is that I want to scream and tell him he has no idea what it is like to be me and that I can't do it. I'm too busy. But I bit my tongue and took a deep breath and said "I'll try harder" And I will! I am excited to love my husband the way he needs to be loved even if i think it is the most annoying way to love someone. (p.s. my husband feels loved when I give him back massages and keep the house clean it is the worst love language ever!) But with Gods help and lots of mistakes I am going to become the best house cleaner and back massager in the WORLD!!!
Goodbye selfishness!
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